it stil hutrs
by Blues
Summary: sequel to "it hurts so much" Hisoka tells Tsuzuki about what Murali is doing to him. what will happen? can Tsuzuki handle it? and what will he do? rape, yaoi, violence Hisoka+Tsuzuki Hisoka+Muraki


Ok this is an attempt to write a continuation to "IT HURTS SO MUCH" … I didn't have a plot in my mind when I started this… so I wont promise anything ^__^ and by the way – if you havn't reda the first part of this IT HURTS SO MUCH I recoment that you do that before you read this one… it will make it easier for you.

**………..**   **Means new scene, new time (later) and new POV**

**Everything that is NOT in ****""**** is thoughts, only when people speak I use ****""******

**I'll let you know whose Point Of View I'm writing in,** just to make it a bit easier for you… though even though this is only my third fic… I start out with something really complicated… CLEVER CLEVER CLEVER.

Title: It Still Hurts 

Author: Christina Ebbesen  
email: the_best_roll@hotmail.com  
Pairing: Muraki * Hisoka and Tsuzuki * Hisoka (Muraki * Tsuzuki)

Warnings: violence, it's pretty dark and angsty, shounen ai… if you don't like reading about homosexual relationships – don't read it ^__^

Rating: ehm.. I'm not totally sure... guess it is kind of R... maybe PG13

Comments: yeah that would be nice... unless you want to flame me of course ^__^

Disclaimer: they are not mine - so don't sue me for writing about them

have fun, hope you like it

This will involve a pretty messed up triangle.  Muraki+Hisoka Tsuzuki+Hisoka and Muraki+Tsuzuki - lots of emotional stuff.

IT STILL HURTS 

(Tsuzuki's POV)

"Tsuzuki?"

"Yes love?"

"There is something I want to tell you…"

_YES_ – finally. I'll find out what has been troubling him for so long... Easy, easy – don't push!

"What is it dear?"

"…"

"Come on, you can tell me, I know something is wrong."

"It's…"

Come on now say it! Just tell me!

"I don't think you will like it…"

I hold him close, I can feel him tremble – he is still crying.

"Tell me, I promise I won't be angry!"

"It's… Muraki."

I stiffen instantly, what is going on here? Just _what_ did he do to my partner? 

"Muraki?" Ohh it is hard to stay calm, but I can't start shouting at him… just let him finish.

"He… no!"

"_Yes!_ Tell me, what did he do to you?"

"No I shouldn't have told you… I…" 

He breaks out crying. Oh my, that's it then. Muraki has ruined him and made him so distant… And I thought it was something I did. How ironic.

"That's right, let it out." I give him a warm embrace. "What did he do, did he send you more nightmares?" I nuzzle his hair while trying to tug the blanket around him more tightly.

"He raped me!"

"That was a long ago, I…"

"No, he raped me again…"

What is happening here? This is not what I expected. This is not what I wanted to hear… this is the last thing I would like to hear. What did that bastard do to my treasure? 

Hisoka is still uncomfortable in my bed – he is trying to wiggle free, but I hold him close. Things are starting to look clear. That's why he doesn't feel like sleeping with me. I brush some of his hair away from his green eyes – looking at him very seriously – trying not show the anger that is raging through me.

"When did this happen Hisoka… tell me!" He is not looking at me. "Did it happen more than once?"

"…"

"Hisoka answer me!" Actually it doesn't matter how many times… just the fact that the son of a bitch dared to harm a hair on Hisoka's head…

Ohh, my temper, I have got to stay calm. I am going to rip his throat open. I can see in Hisokas eyes that it hurts to talk about it, and it pains me to see him like this. I try to take him into my arms again, but he turns away. 

He is lying with his back to me now, crumbled in a fetal position. Ohh Muraki will pay for this. Just wait until I get my hands on him.

"Every night." 

"What?"

"For months now…"

"_WHAT_?"

"Tsuzuki I am sorry - I shouldn't have told you."

"**_WHAT!?!_**"

I am completely paralysed. This is not good. It is worse than I thought... every night?!? It can't be. Right next to my room, and he didn't ask for help… But why is he saying he shouldn't have told me? 

"I'll go to my room." Hisoka sobs and roll out of bed.

"No please, wait don't go."

"Sorry!" He is already out the door, and I jerk out of my trance.

"Wait!" I jump after him, but he has already locked it.

I knock – knowing all too well that he wont open. I know him. 

"Hisoka please let me in, you have to talk to me about it."

"Go away!"

"Please Hisoka"

No answer… He can't just ackt like nothing happened. But no matter - I will remain here waiting for him to come out.

**……………**

(Hisoka's POV)

SHIT – I shouldn't have told him. Now he is angry with me. No wonder – I should have told him earlier… no what am I thinking I shouldn't have told him at all…. Now he hates me.

"Please, Hisoka"

Oh no, I simply can never face him again. This must hurt him more than it hurts me. I am so selfish. I knew something like this would happen. 

I know he is standing outside the door. But I won't come out. 

He must hate me for this. In a way I have been cheating on him… oh why did I tell him. Now things are bound to go wrong – he will break up – and Muraki will get his chance… after he beats me up for reviling our secret.  

I burrow my head in my pillow, so he won't hear me cry.

**……….…..**

(Tsuzuki's POV)

He still hasn't come out. I heard him weep, but I think he fell asleep a couple of hours ago. It took him quite some, but it has been quiet in there for hours now. And it is pretty late, almost noon.  My legs are going into a cramp… I have been standing like this for hours and hours. 

I can hear him in there; he is getting dressed. I know the sound. I can recognise every sound he makes. 

How often have I been listening? Listening for his steps, the sound of his breathing, and the sound of him brushing his hair. All those sounds which are his. Everything about him makes me feel warm… normally that is – but today my heart sinks in my chest. His steps are slow and sad. I can hear from the way he is breathing that he is trying to calm himself. 

He is getting closer, he hesitates… then opens the door and pear out, and I quickly set my foot in the open door to prevent him from closing it

"Hisoka!"

I burst inside when I see him turn away. I grab him by his shoulders and turn him around trying to make eye contact… but he is avoiding my eyes. I squeeze harder.

"Please let go Tsuzuki – you are hurting me."

"No listen, you have to talk to me about it. Do you understand? I am not going to let go of you go until you do."

He doesn't look at me – I can see he is trying very hard not to cry.

"Look, this is something we have to work out, we are partners… lovers… and I can't tolerate this, it hurts me to..."

"Don't yell at me! _You_ are hurt? How do you think _I_ feel – if you love me so much; why don't you think about how I have felt all this time."

_*SMACK* _

I hit him so hard he tumbles to his bed and doesn't get up.

I want to say I am sorry… but I can't, I am disappointed… and bitter. He thinks I am selfish, that I am not concerned about him… how can he doubt that? 

_SHIT_ - This was not what I had planned. I wanted to sit on the bed and talk to him quietly, hold him and find a way to keep Muraki away.

"…Get out!"

I can't move; I am burning inside. I am so angry – with him for questioning my love… with Muraki for causing this problem… and with myself for not controlling my temper. What scares me the most is that I am letting my anger out on Hisoka… he is the victim… I should be comforting him – Muraki is the one I should be beating… I know this deep inside, but… 

"I said get out!" He is standing up. His cheek is already turning red and it's a bit swollen. He starts pushing me out the door. Now he is looking into my eyes. He's crying. 

Come on! Say 'I'm sorry' just tell him you're sorry, this is getting out of hand. Tell him how you feel.

"Hisoka I'm…"

"Get out, you callous bastard. Leave me alone!"

I don't know what is happening. I can't control this rage inside of me. The rage I should be letting out on Muraki. The disappointment is crushing me. I grab his wrists, and force him backwards, down on the bed, pinning him.

"Let go! You idiot…"

_*SMACK* _

He receives another blow – this time to his other cheek. 

"You don't trust me?"

"Tsuzuki let go!" he is looking at me in an odd way.

I hit him across his face again, and again. Now his tearful eyes express fear instead of sorrow… What am I doing? Why can't I just say 'I'm sorry!'

"You doubt that I love you more than anything on this earth!" why is this happening. Can't he just trust me and let me help him? 

"Tsuzuki, please let go."

He starts wiggling underneath me, trying to get away. He is able to turn around so that he is lying on his stomach, and he desperately tries to crawl away grabbing the sheets, trying to drag himself out under my body.

I am grabbing his hair, pushing him down, much to my own surprise I continue to yell at him… I want to kiss him and whisper soft words into his ear… but in stead, I am shaking him – telling him of. I should be helping him – and be thankful because he finally decided to tell me about this horrible secret… but I just proceed to beat him.

"Don't you love me Hisoka?"

"Please"

"**Hisoka**." 

"Don't hurt me…"

… 

"What did you say?" I whisper, and suddenly my rage is gone… those words triggered something.

"Please don't hurt me!"

Oh damn! What have I done? Now I blew it. I've never lost my temper like this. 

… He is afraid of me…

 I'm no better than Muraki. Why couldn't I just have sat down and talked with him? 

Of course he is confused – no wonder. It's just a misunderstanding. I know he loves me, and I know he knows I love him too – I just have to give him a chance. 

"Hisoka I'm sorry."

I let go of his hair and try to pull him into a hug. He does not resist – but he is not melting into my arms. 

"Please forgive me!"

He is not saying anything; he is shivering. He is not even looking at me; I can feel that he is scared. Afraid I will hurt him, just like Muraki does. How could I let this happen? In his emotional state it is no wonder that he thinks I'm selfish. He has been through hell, and when he finally tells me about it I start shouting.

"Please Hisoka, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Please leave!"

He is afraid I will hit him again; I can feel it. I made my lover fear me. 

I get up and start for the door, I walk out slowly and turn around to look at him. He is looking down, a single tear dropping. 

"Sorry." I know I have to leave. I can't talk to him right now – I'd better wait until he calms down. 

**……………**

(Hisoka's POV)

I jerk awake; I have been sleeping all day since our argument. It is dark outside and I have no idea how late it is. I cried myself to sleep pained by my agonising thoughts. 

Damn, I knew he would be pissed of. Why did I have to accuse him of being selfish? 

He is shocked that I kept something like this a secret… I can't blame him for being mad. Now he hates me. He doesn't want anything to do with me. Why couldn't he just sit and talk with me? Why can't I just sit down and _let_ him talk with me… I am the one who told him to leave.

Did he have to beat me? He's not usually that angry… guess I deserved it. Maybe our love isn't that deep… maybe _his_ love isn't deep enough – I know _I_ love him. I just don't know how to express myself, can't even ask for help.

…

Now everything is over, I have lost my love… I should just have kept my mouth shut… and I am still crying. I'm a coward, can't face my problems on my own, and when I ask for help everything goes down the drain.

Why can't I stop crying? Why can't everything just work out? Why can't I just tell him that I love him, and I need him? I should just have kept quiet – then none of this would have happened.

Haven't I cried enough? Once again I hide my head in the pillow to muffle the sound of my sobs.

What is going to happen now? Muraki will know something has happened. And he will use Tsuzuki's rage towards me to win him. Tsuzuki will leave me. Fuck I _ASKED_ him to leave me myself. Even though deep inside I do not doubt that he loves me. He wouldn't have stayed with me for this long if he didn't… but can he keep on doing that if I keep on rejecting him?

It's my own fault. I lost my love – I send him away… I lost him to the most disgusting piece of shit on this side of the earth. And I can do nothing about it.

_FUCK!_ I forgot about Muraki… he will be coming soon. 

…

… He's already here… I can feel his presence in my room.

…

**……………**

(Tsuzuki's POV)

I wake up…  fell asleep on my bed after the fight. It's pretty late. My head is still spinning with thoughts. And I am tangled in my sheets. Even though I have slept for hours I still feel tired.

He probably hates me now. I should have asked him sooner, I knew something was wrong – I just didn't have the guts to ask him. Now we are both alone.  

I hurt him, my fragile little angel. He needed comfort and I let my emotions take over. I shouldn't have yelled at him, much less beaten him. 

Now why did I do a thing like that? 

I just felt so helpless. And even if I tell him that I love him… he probably won't believe me… maybe that's why he didn't tell me sooner. He knew I would get angry… but he is misunderstanding it. I love him; I just got so angry because he doubted it. I love him, I always have always will...

I love everything about him. His lovely eyes, his rare smiles, even his attitude is cute in a way, when you know him. I love the way he says "good morning" the way his hair is sticking to his head after a shower… everything. 

…And deep inside - I know he loves me too… and now that I know what he has been going through I see why he had a hard time telling me that he also loves me. He hates crying in front of me. 

I should just have taken a couple of minutes to swallow the bad news, and I should just have let him talk, and I shouldn't have started yelling at him… 

Now everything is much more clear. I just have to give him comfort and tell him that it isn't his fault. He always blames himself for everything. 

But I will tell him that I am sorry. I just hope he can forgive me… he can – he loves me too, he will give in eventually. 

I can hear him crying. 

He's awake too, and he is just as sad as I am – it is kind of nice to know. But I have to take this a bit more slowly than last night and this morning… he is not very stable at the moment… Muraki probably threatened him to keep quiet.

Ohh this would be so much easier if he would accept my help. It is nice that he finally got the guts to ask me for it though. I think he knows that I am there for him… but he would like to take care of it himself… or maybe… maybe he didn't want to hurt me… 

He is crying a bit louder… should I go to him? Nah, better not push him – not tonight. I could go in after he is back asleep and I can sit with him… so he feels safe. 

Maybe that's it… he wanted to keep _me_ safe… from… 

**_FUCK!_**

I burst out of bed, out my door, right into Hisoka's door – but it is locked.

"**MURAKI, LEAVE HIM ALONE!**" 

Of course, that's why he is crying. I slam my fist against the door violently.

"Tsuzuki – don't!" it is Hisoka, he is crying hard.

I put my shoulder against the door and put all my force into the blow. And I slam the door in.

**……………**

(Hisoka's POV)

Tsuzuki bursts through the door, but stops in his tracks when he sees us. Muraki is tightening his hold on my neck, laughing coldly as my body starts burning worse than before. 

"Let go of him you sick bastard!" Tsuzuki growls menacing looking extremely angry and scared at the same time. Oh why did he come, he should just have stayed out of this, now he is going to get hurt too. 

"Well hello there Tsuzuki." Muraki greets slyly.

I can't breathe; his hold is too tight. But I am not allowed to fight; it will only hurt more if I try to free myself, and he will get even more angry.

"Hisoka…" Tsuzuki is looking at me with his shiny purple eyes… "Let go of him – you are killing him!"

"Everything for you my dear!" Muraki is letting go all of a sudden. He pushes me forward in the bed, so that I'm lying face down – I can't see Tsuzuki. I try to move, but immediately receives the punishment, the curse on my body is glowing, and I can't help but scream out in pain. 

"Stop that!" Tsuzuki is shouting, I can hear that he is taking a step forward, but Muraki grabs my arm forcing it behind my back roughly. 

I sense Tsuzuki's despair, and I can't keep track of all his thoughts… my head starts spinning, the pain is increasing and I start to feel dizzy. I'm whimpering like a child.

"Better not come any closer if you don't want me to break his arm." 

I can't stop a tortured moan from escaping my throat… Tsuzuki can't hear me through the pillow though. But I sense that he knows what I am going through… he wants to help me; he just doesn't know how. I wish he hadn't come in. I can feel that Muraki won't spare him… 

…

What is happening? Are they just standing there? … They are both confused – Muraki is angry, he is not in total control, and it irritates him; it always does. I sense his anger; it is growing stronger… but not as much as Tsuzuki's. 

All these emotions… it feels like my head is going to burst with pain. 

Muraki is letting go of my arm and moving out of the bed, dragging me along. 

What the hell is Tsuzuki thinking… _No_… he can't possibly be serious about starting a fight in here.

"Tsuzuki, what…" Muraki cuts of my sentence along with my air supply by putting his arm around my neck. He is furious. I can feel it; the curse is making my body feel numb with pain, my legs start to shake under my weight. 

"Better not do anything stupid my dear. You could hurt my puppet." He is squeezing tighter and I gag between my whimpers. 

Tsuzuki's anger turns into worry. He is confused – lost, he doesn't know what to do.

"Tsuzuki… don't…" Muraki squeezes me furiously.

"Shut up kid!" He draws me closer. "Well Tsuzuki, maybe we could make a deal here…" he almost lifts me off of the floor to make his point. "You want the boy… and … you know what I want."  

Tsuzuki is looking at me; his eyes are shinny and his fists are clenched… I can feel his anger rising. 

No… you can't fight in here you idiot. Don't do something stupid, please!

Muraki is unpleased since Tsuzuki is not giving in. The curse is burning… I start crying in pain, now Muraki is the only thing that keeps me from crumbling to the floor… but he is making it difficult to breathe again. 

I try to move his arm from my throat; I tug at his jacket with my shaking hands. I know I am not allowed to fight him… but. I can't stay conscious much longer.

"Hisoka." 

My vision is blurred, but I sense Tsuzuki's despair and hear his anger in his voice… he is going to attack Muraki… I can feel it. 

He is going to get hurt – I know it, Muraki is angry, and with me as a hostage Tsuzuki hasn't got a chance.

Quick decision.

I gather all the power I have and concentrate on breaking free and giving Muraki a powerful shock. 

Everything happens so fast. I manage to send Muraki flying backwards into the wall while I roll towards Tsuzuki. I look up; he has already summoned Suzaku; the Phoenix – letting her attack Muraki. 

It's not enough – she can't beat him that easily. 

"Tsuzuki!" I want to scream it… but my voice is gone, it is nothing but a whisper. "Be careful, watch out." 

I look up - the ceiling is on fire, and Phoenix is trying to protect us from Muraki's attack. I see the dark demons' shadows coming toward us. Even though they are only meters away – moving fast it seems like an eternity. Tsuzuki is going to get hurt… 

I gather the rest of my strength and jump to my feet, blocking Tsuzuki with my own body… but Tsuzuki must have summoned Byakko… a barrier of wind is protecting us. 

"Hisoka!" 

He catches me in his arms, before I loose my balance. 

"Hisoka?"   

Muraki is putting more force into his attack. Byakko is having his problems keeping up the barrier. The Ceiling is about to collapse… and I am loosing consciousness. 

"Hisoka? Can you hear me?" He is holding me tight, and I can feel strange warmth flowing through my body as he touches me. "You have to help me here."

I nod absently, and concentrate on synchronizing our powers… giving him what I have left.

Muraki is cursing at us… the noise reaches a level beyond endurance… 

Then suddenly everything turns black, I can't see anything; I can't hear anything… all I know of is the growing head. It is almost unbearable…

**……………**

(Tsuzuki's POV)

Hisoka is stirring in his sleep. He must be exhausted – it was quite a fight. He looks so sweet when he's asleep.

Well, if it hadn't been for Tatsumi I would still be sleeping too. He came by half an hour ago – and we had a little talk.

He is always nice and caring when I need advice.

Warati says Hisoka will be all right; he just needs his rest… just like I do. And since the house is burned down, we can just as well stay in our hospital beds. 

But while I just need to get back up physically, Hisoka needs something more. He is hurt in a different way. But as long as we are together I guess it will be all right… Muraki is definitely not going to bother him any time soon. 

He looks so peaceful; tangled in his sheets, but he doesn't seem to be in any pain. I've never seen him smile in his sleep before. It does my heart good to see him slumber like this. His soft hair is like a halo around his angelic face. His cheeks are a bit red and he is just so beautiful.  

I realise how lucky I am to have him. Lucky that I _still _have him. I could have lost him today. I could have lost him a long time ago, if he hadn't been strong enough to endure Muraki's abuse.

I am so thankful. He understands me - wants to protect me, and he cares for me. He is my angel. Nobody will ever take him away from me – and I will be there for him when he needs me. 

"Tsuzuki?" 

AWW – he is awake. His green eyes are sleepy and he is looking around. Isn't that the cutest look on his face? 

"Wha - what happened? Where are we?"

"In the hospital, dear."

… He starts to remember I see – his worried look returns to his face.

"… And… did we… is he?"

"He wont bother us for a long time; I promise." I smile at him and reach out my arm. He mirrors my move and we join hands. 

"Are you hurt?" he asks me.

"I'm just really sore… how do you feel?"

… He doesn't answer.

"It's been a long time since we slept in the same room. It is a bit odd – but it is nice." Hisoka says smiling at me, but then he looks into the ceiling a sad expression on his face. 

"Don't worry – as long as we are together… I will take care of you!" 

He closes his eyes, a single tear gliding down his bruised cheek. "Sorry, I will be honest with you from now on." He whispers. He squeezes on my hand – then he lets go.

I try to push myself up in the bed and look at him. "Don't cry."

"I am happy - and sad at the same time…"

"I'm here Hisoka."

"It still hurts."

"I know – but if you want to talk about it you can just…"

"Thanks… I will - But not now – not today."

He is getting up. Supporting himself on the bed, he walk towards me the few steps, then he climbs up into my bed, and I move to make room for him.

I pull the blanket over the both of us, and I kiss him lightly on his forehead removing some bangs from his eyes, and he snuggles closer. 

"I just want to be close to you." 

"Better get some rest, or Warati will get angry with us." I take him into a comforting embrace… and is finally relaxing enjoying it.

"I love you." He whispers against my chest.

"I love you too."

END


End file.
